Where Have I Been?

So…this one may be a little deep.

Tonight I had a great half hour with Tim. It’s been a week since I’ve seen him, and slowly, since I’ve been graduated, I have been coming back to “focus” on him and on us. Really, I think that me being in school was no excuse. Yes, I’ve walked through depressed and anxious times in the last year. HOWEVER, he needed me. It hurts me to think that I have no fully been “there,” and I don’t think that it’s a good pattern to set-up. I will say that it shows how God gives us seasons…seasons where we need in each other in different ways and in different levels.

“Lord, thank you for the gift that Tim is. Thank you for his heart to serve. Help heal us as a couple. Help me to find ways to bless him. Help us to grow in our faiths in you, in our faith in you and in the way we love one another. Thank you for tonight, for Tim’s sweet heart, and for a new season for both of us. Father, please go before us. Prepare us to have a marriage that is surrounded by you, comes from you, and serves you and each other. God continue to renew us. I do ask for a job for me, a career in nursing, and for a place for us to make a home. You are Lord of our lives and our new life together- I turn it all over to you once again.”

I look forward to the days ahead. It is difficult for me to stop by head and heart from worry, and trust in God. I feel so fallen, that I cannot trust that the Creator who knows me better than I know myself does not have my complete trust. Father, forgive me. I need your grace and to re-focus on my Savior, on my vision, on His love and heart for me. Life is not without trials, but it is also not without gifts. I am nevous that God will MAKE us wait for a job, for a home….but I need to trust that He will do what is always best.

Hmm…I need Him.

Breastmilk

I can smell it on me. And, no, I have not worked with breastfeeding women at the hospital. And, NO, I am not lactating.

However, last night Tim and I had a war of whipped cream. It was hilarious and we maintained purity… we just needed to mop the kitchen floor at my lovely residence afterward. I think the scent is just caked into my nostrils, because I’ve showered twice. It just has that distinctive odor of old breastmilk/ spit-up.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind today…

18 and counting!

I cried yesterday. If you ever want to watch a great show: watch “A Very Duggar Wedding” from TLC’s 18 and counting. http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/18-kids-and-counting/slideshows/josh-anna-big-announcement.html

Josh may be a bit of a pigheaded guy (can I say that without knowing him?)… but it’s still a sweet episode.

Love it.

Watch it.

Cry.

PS- whichever little Duggar thought of wiring the horn to the brakes was genious :)

:)

Ah…(if only it was) August!

So…
The tickets are booked!
A Three-Part honeymoon adventure awaits. 

First our lovely spot at this little oasis on the Oregon Coast http://www.archcapeinn.com/ 

Then, off to explore our adventurous side at this little place

Grand Californian Hotel at California Adventure

Then off to wherever we will be living to finish off our honeymoon in our new home!

With all of this to say, thinking about the future together hasn’t always been the easiest road.  Like all married couples (well…most), Tim and I come from different families.  This plays such a huge role in why we love each other- and why we can get on each other’s nerves. 

The future sounds great: wedding, honeymoon, marriage, a life together with no more goodnight/goodbyes… but really the logistics are getting to me.  I am tired of applying for jobs- and have yet to find one!  Tim and I are working out what it will mean to live as a married couple financially- and all of this tends to weigh on me.  I feel like I’m behind in school work, behind in wedding planning, behind in bettering my health and fitness, and behind in my relationship with God.  This all is so draining.  I just need my Jesus.  As I am typing (what I like to call “verbally processing”- I am recognizing that all of those areas are OK to lack in- all except One.  I need more God.  I need hope again.  I need life.  I need the Lord to carry me, to challenge me, to remind me of who I am as a daughter of the King…

SO as I look forward to August…and all that comes along with it, I also look to now, into myself to find where I have been stashing God away for when He is convenient.  I will leave this post with this: Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ…. not even ourselves.  That is hope in itself.

I want to have a baby

Yes.  It’s true. 
Do you ever have those moments where you see a young, chubby-cheeked, cooing kid and think, “MMM…I need to get me some of that!”?  Ok…that sounded strange… but it’s true.

I think something that doen’t help this little craving I get every once in a while is that Tim wants kids even more than I do.  Thus, when he sees one, he can’t help but smile and sigh, and if I’m there, he looks back at me with puppy-dog eyes and is thinking “She would be a beautiful mother, I can’t wait.”  It’s true!  He’s confessed.  His boss can tell he wants kids and mentions it as he gravitates toward them and smiles :) 

HOWEVER, all this aside, I do not desire to have kids any time in the near future.  No.  Should God drop one on my doorsetp, I would probably faint and maybe even die.  It wouldn’t be pretty.  No matter how cute, huggable and darn right perfect they may seem- the ones I see are not mine, and therefore have nasty temper tantrums, an ability to cry 23 hrs/day and would never allow me to sleep.  Babysitting sounds good for now.  It REALLY does.

Story of my life: i should be studying :)

This will be a “random set of facts” for your reading pleasure :)

1) My favorite new quote from Tim: “Your kisses are so sweet I’m gonna get cavities!”  I was pretty sure he borrowed it from a first grader, but alas!  It was his own :)

2) Flowers

3) Cake

4) Bridesmaid Dresses (finally!)

5) Anniversary Surprise for some special people :)

6) Although it feels like winter, I’m tempted to spur-on Spring to come by wearing skirts… am Ibrave enough?!?

Hello, world!  I’m back to the books!

Ok, I’ll admit it

I am fully aware that I have 11 weeks until semi-freedom (once I am done with courses to study for the boards and then get the boards done, I will then be “done”)…

And I am SO thankful for this.

I have a great prof in one of my courses, a wonderful fiance who lives 5-10 minutes away, a nice group of ladies to live with and a whole life beyond college waiting for me.  I resolve to make God my center once again… to choose trust over anxiety by turning to the Holy Spirit, and to ask for prayer when I need it, and pray for others so that my growing faith is not stifled, but stretched. 

It’s a new term.  No easier then the last, I’m sure… but I am so thankful that God gives us seasons.  And that I can have NEW.

A season of many “new’s” is coming my way…and I hope to take advantage of the one I am in before I am a “new grad,”  “new nurse,”  “new wife,”  “new sister-in-law,”  “new daughter in law…”  Those will all be good in their time… but that time is not now.  Today is though…so I’m going to live it with a smile and choose joy as much as I have the ability to. 

:) 

Here I go, off into the land of wolves with the Hunter before me, who hold my hand and is my Comfort.  I am His.

What’s YOUR real name?

Random Fact for today: 50 Cent’s real name is “Curtis James Jackson III.” 

Don’t ask.

In other news,,,
1) Save the Dates!

I know…it’s SO exciting!  Our photographer is a family friend of Tim’s: Mark Galligan of Mark Galligan Photography (www.markgp.com) … he was great! We did a little photo session in Portland, and hopefully we will be doing another shoot in Seattle when it’s SUNNY :)

Here is a preview for your viewing pleasure…

by Mark Galligan

That’s it for now… off to finals (my second-to-the-last set)!

Oh.. one more thing: my “boy” name was going to be Dwight Blodgett :)  Who would you be if you weren’t YOU?

one hundred and fifty-six

…days to go until I am MARRIED.  Woah.  Back up.  (The last two senetences remind me of Kevin from The Office.  Tim says that in his voice all the time)….

To summarize what we have so far…

1) Photographer: Mark Galligan of Mark Galligan Photography www.markgp.com

2) A wedding webpage which I only use to be my countdown for me :) http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/view/co_main.aspx?legacct=1&coupleid=7036680966161441

3) A LOCATION-  gorgeous…it has been growing on Tim and I :)  Lakeside Gardens in Portland

4) Bridesmaid Dress from Bill Levkoff- style #806 in “Sable” … will be fantastic:  http://www.billlevkoff.com/#/91/bill-levkoff-bridesmaid-dress-style-806/806/

5) 1 maid of honor: Jenny

Jenny and I :)

6) Three excellent friends as my bridesmaids: Katie, Natalie and Sarah Jean:

Third Hill Lovelies 2005... Can you find us?

7) A dog who I am afraid will not be the ring-bearer :(  I was the only one who voted FOR Maggie.  But I’ll get over it. 

The love that is my Maggie :)

8) A gown for me to wear- so lovely- want to try it on EVERYDAY until forever.  I can’t wait. Sorry…I am not going to post a picture or link :)

9) Our first two nights of honeymoon bliss at Arch Cape House on the Coast http://www.archcapeinn.com/gauguin.html

10) A soon-to-be husband…

11) A wonderful family friend of the Kurkinen’s and now myself to make the cake: Jeri Yoder :)

12) Two sets of premarital counseling- it’s been going really well- so much to learn in this transition process…. it will be a lifetime of finding out about each other- and how to better love one another- I can tell already…. :)

13) That’s about it… perhaps a florist, maybe someone to help do sound and some video footage of our day…

13) THE BIG QUESTION: Where to honeymoon?  We want to be gone about a week (5-7 days)… leave from Portland, fly somewhere, not Hawaii, not Washington, not Oregon… somewhere where we can hike (preferably), have fun, but be secluded (perhaps a cabin?), and not somehwere outside of the US or Canada.  We have been thonking about Alaska (Tim’s aunt has some great ideas-but none of those have a hottub or jacuzzi…which I like the thought of)… but we are SO confused…………. TOO MANY OPTIONS!  And we should buy tickets soon.  So any suggestions?  We are open.

Lent-ing

To lend my praise to Christ… this is why I want to Lent

Fast from criticism; feast on gratitude.
Fast from worry; feast on joy.
Fast from pressures; feast on prayer.
Fast from fear; feast on faith.
Fast from gossip; feast on praise.
Fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness.
Fast from doubt; feast on truth.
Fast from self; feast on God.