Hello…I’m oblivious, and I’ve been sober for…my entire life

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Last Monday I went to AA.  Today, I decided that it was finally time to blog about it.  It’s better in person.

It started out as a  project for a nursing class- to go and observe an AA meeting.  I went with a couple other ladies, but decided to sit separately so as to gain a new perspective of the group. 

I sat down and realized I was overdressed, and hoped that no one would think that (because I am a student and overdressed) I was judging them.  Soon a nice man said hi.  I thought, “Should I say ‘Hi, I’m Kim, what’s your name?’”  But then I realized it is alcoholics ANONYMOUS, and I’ll try to steer clear of names as much as possible.  We chatted about the weather until another man man came and sat between us and stared at me like I was some sort of alien woman.  I realized how very, very overdressed I was…thinking that I should look professional….but then also that I wanted to look inconspicuous….and those two things don’t really mesh at an AA meeting. 

Finally a pleasant woman sat down next to me and started making conversation.  I felt free to tell her my first name, especially because I was SO sure everyone knew I was one of those students who comes and observes for class.  She asked “Is this your first time to a meeting?”  I said “Yes, it sure is.”  She said, “Wow, how brave of you to come here and observe this experience and get to know what AA is all about!  There are people of ALL ages, and all sobreity backgrounds.  I am (insert name here), an alcoholic, and I have been sober for 17 years.”  I said, “Wow, that is SO wonderful!  It is great to meet you.  I am so excited to come here and get this experience!”  By this time she most likely thought I was a young college thing who had been pouring back one too many shots between classes.  But I thought she FOR SURE knew I was a student and just was SO excited to have me learn the ropes of AA.  So I replied:

“So you still call yourself an alcoholic after 17 years of being sober?”

She smiled, grabbed my knee and squeezed, saying,  “We, Honey, We’re alcoholics.  And We will always be alcoholics.”  At this point I should have gotten the clue that the “WE” meant her and I.  But that’s why I’m oblivious :)

I thought (and said to her): “I love that support and sense of community here!” 

She said, “Me, too!  It’s what has saved me.  Did you come here on a court order?  If you did you can put it in the basket that will go around and the leader will sign it”

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  I should REALLY know what a court order would be.  And in any other case I may have gotten the clue.  But this was a special night for me. 

I simply replied: “No.  I didn’t get one of those!”  I thought that this “court order” was something that the court gave students to come and observe the meetings. 

So she said, “Well that’s how I started coming here…and have been ever since!  Hey, I wanted to tell you about another women’s group that meets.  You should come and see what that is like as well!” 

I thought, “Sure!  Why not?  This will be great experience for my paper.  I’m SO glad I met her.  But I really only need to observe one meeting.  Oh well, I’ll just sit tight and be polite.”

She went to grab a little booklet off the shelf and sat down again.  She started to write something in the booklet.  I saw some numbers, so I assumed she was writing down the place of the women’s group and the times they meet.  Just then everyone started quieting down.  The meeting was about to begin! 

She whispered in my ear, “I want to send down this booklet with every woman’s name and phone number in here so that you will have a network of support for when you feel weak.” 

HOLY CRAP.  The meeting had begun, and so had the last 45 minutes of my life.  The leader was speaking, so I couldn’t interrupt now and mention, “Oh, yes, and by the way, I’m not an alcoholic like I had you believing, I’m just a really dumb student who might some day be your nurse.”  My mind was reeling, and I started to sweat.  For those of you who haven’t met me, or don’t know this little detail, I will inform you.  I tend to get a bit sweaty…always.  I am blessed with this gift from my dad :)  Anyway- this was the Your Face is Beat Red and You Are a Little Liar-type sweat.  I just started praying as I went over the conversation with this woman in my head…realizing how VERY much like an alcoholic I must have sounded. 

Meanwhile this little booklet that had written at the top “For Kim (the blonde)” was being passed around the room from woman-to-woman.  Every once in a while I would look up and see a woman pointing to me and smiling and starting to write down her name and pone number in case I felt the need to binge again.  Like I ALWAYS do, right?!!?  AHH.  This was CRAZY.  My two fellow nursing student friends were sitting together across the room.  The booklet had been passed to them.  They looked at me like, “What the h*** are you doin, Kim?”  I just felt SO stupid.  More and more regretful that I wasn’t up front with the fact that I was a student who came just to observe.

Then my moment of fame came.  The leader was running out of people with birthdays to ask their “story” for the week.  So she decided to turn to me, since I was the new alcoholic who didn’t introduce myself, and share with the group.  She turned around and said, “And how about you?  Smiley face!”  I just about peed/died.  I wanted to go crawl in a whole…and maybe even start drinking so I wouldn’t feel like such a Fake (don’t worry Mom, I wouldn’t ever really do that.. what can I say, I was desperate at this point).  I managed to squeeze out, “I…..I pass.”  Then there was a resoundingly awkward “Thank you” coming from everyone in the room.  The most awkward part is that they are supposed to say “Thank you (insert my name).”  Since I didn’t begin my “I pass” with “Hi, my name is Kim, I am not an alcoholic and all of you are,”  they didn’t know my name.  So it was weird. 

The booklet came back around to me and when I had it in hand, full of about 35 names and phone numbers, the woman sitting next to me grips the booklet in my hand and looks at me, whispering, “This is going to be SO good.  We can do this.”

I thought, NO, we can’t.  We won’t.  I wish I had a lighter to light this little booklet on fire.  God, could you send down some flames?  CRAP.  If these people see me on Queen Anne at Safeway they’ll be thinking…”There’s the little blonde alcoholic who doesn’t come the meetings.”  Or even worse: What if I have to be their nurse some day and they’re thinking that I’ve been taking my ten minute break with a fifth in the back?  PERFECT.  My nursing career is ka-put.

At the end of the meeting I had come up with a plan:  Break the news to the woman some how, and make her keep the booklet.  If she finds out some day that I was a Fake, I don’t want her to think I was a Creep-o and wanted to get all the numbers of the alcoholic women in Seattle. 

The meetings end with everyone in a circle holding hands and chanting something really special to the likes of, “God grant me the wisdom to do the things I can, and help with the things I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference…blahblahblah.”  (Another little aside: I so LOVED this saying when it was quoted by one of our nursing professors that I put it in my Bible, having no idea the Big Book for alcoholics that it came from.  Sweet.)  Anyway- so while I’m holding hands with this man next to me he starts swinging my arm, saying “You can do it!  You can do it! (repeat) ” And smiling really intensely.  I thought, “Lord, I don’t need this.  I’m pretty sure that wasn’t necessary.“

I decided to turn to the woman, hand her back the booklet, and bust outta there.  I said “Thank you for this, but it’s not something I need right now.  I really appreciate your time.  But I cannot take this.” 

She said, “I wish you would.”  And I just had to reply with something like, “But I it’s not something I need right now.”  And I left.  She was probably thinking… Yah you do, you drunk college girl. 

I felt like crap, and sought the comfort of my fellow classmates who met me outside the building.  They said, “What happened in there?  Who was the lady?  What was with the booklet?” 

I told them I felt like the biggest Foney (sp?) and the whole story.  They just laughed and said it would be fine.  I was sure that this would bite me in the butt one of these days.

BUT, so far, so good.  I am over it.  I feel like less of a fake, and more like I need to realize that God wanted to give me something to laugh about.
My whole experience taught me a couple things:

1) To not be so oblivious.  I had no idea that I could so beautufully fit into the mold of “blonde” in one, horrendous hour.
2) That AA people are JUST like me… dealing with addictions.  I LOVE the support they have there.  I think it should be like that for all addictions.  It’s such a great program.  This is why I thought briefly during and after the meeting that I should attend “Overeaters Anonymous” because I was feeling like there are moments where I choose to go and buy a box of strawberry fruit roll-ups and consume the entire thing within just a few hours.  BUT, my lovely roommate told me that I would probably feel out of place in a room with people who weigh 300+ lbs.  I still think, though, that overeating is overeating.  Anyway- I decided not to pursue Overeater’s Anonymous.  But I have the utmost respect for AA.  And I’m still really glad I went :)

THE END… I hope!

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